Happy Independence Day Revisited

This post was originally written last year but I think it bears repeating.


Over two hundred thirty-five years ago a group of British subjects, frustrated with their government, spent almost eight years in an arduous attempt to free themselves of tyranny. America was an infant country resisting the world superpower one hundred times Her size. Yes, I believe She deserves the capital S too. She is our home and our love, take care of Her.

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The Vanity Chest

She may get a Dolly Parton boob job (the word “augmentation” doesn’t change what it is folks). Take four pounds of fat from Her butt and inject it into Her lips so She can look like Mick Jagger in a vacuum. Kill all the nerve endings in Her face with cattle toxin so She can always looks surprised but is completely incapable of smiling. Or get fake bake tans until your little Snooki is the color of an Oompa Loompa.

All right, all right, beyond the drastic, psycho, orange, lip and breast exploding, show business stuff, maybe She is considering a simple facelift or a tummy tuck, or permanent make up or a tattoo or to color Her hair the shade of an eggplant or a nose piercing with a fishing lure. Your response; (as so many significant others have said) “Don’t do this for me.”

Listen up buttercup, She is NOT doing it for you! And (outside of Hollywood)  it’s not about vanity. She doesn’t think She is a Barbie doll to be pristine and played with at the same time. It is about Her self-image. It is about how She perceives Herself. It is about Her feeling good about Herself.

Not convinced? Still think it’s about pleasing You? Try this; go get hit by a Peterbilt tomorrow and see if it changes how She wants to look.

Tell Her you love Her just the way She is. Tell Her She is perfect. Tell Her She doesn’t need enhancements, enlargements or new curtains. But remember, just like anything else, in the end, give Her what She wants.

Federal regulations require me to set forth this disclaimer; the previous comment concerning the tractor trailer is by no means an endorsement of ignoring traffic safety laws. And no person, reading this should attempt to stand in front of or otherwise molest a large moving vehicle.

Sincerely, john

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Think Harder

If She is out of sorts and you can’t think of anything you did to upset Her, you are not thinking hard enough.

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Beads For The Natives

You buy Her flowers after you say “Aren’t those tight jeans uncomfortable?” Jewelry after you’re caught flirting with that buxomed waitress. Somehow, we believe that a gift that smells nice, or is shiny will distract Her. She is not a catfish, nor is She is stupid. If you give Her a bouquet only in response to a screw up, then the next time 1-800-FLOWERS knocks at Her door She will not only remember that you’ve messed up in the past, She will also wonder what the hell you did wrong this time. And jewelry is worse; since it will last forever She is sure to always have a memento of your thoughtless misdeeds.

Don’t misread this; calling FTD to put an exclamation point on an apology is okay, as long as it’s not the only time you give Her flowers. You should absolutely shower Her with flowers and jewelry and the latest Luis Miguel CD but be warned, getting Her a gift should have everything to do with how it makes Her feel and what She should remember, not what you hope She will forget.

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Keep Your Receipts

It is always a good idea to keep your receipts when you buy something for Her. You never know when something might be deductible or, more importantly, what kind of mistake you might have made. Whatever you bought could be the wrong color, the wrong style or the wrong pattern. Perhaps you purchased the “in” thing from last year and She is a bit more stylish than you. There are any number of reasons to keep the register tickets from any of your purchases but the most important ones are neither the IRS nor some oversight on your part.

When clothes shopping for Her you must spend lots of time picking out just the right style to match Her taste. Worry over selecting just the right shade to match Her eyes. You should be absolutely sure the cut is flattering to Her shape and the material breathes. After having agonized long over choosing just the right article, it is vital that you have the receipts available to Her so She can return the clothes you bought. No, this is not a bad thing since you will be buying clothes that are one size too small.

Admittedly, this is a tricky situation. If you do this but then endeavor to convince Her that She needs to try the clothes on anyway, you are slitting your own throat. If we’re talking shoes the rules don’t apply. They could cut off the circulation to Her big toe and She may still wear them. Also, if you’ve been together a long time and you’ve bought clothes for Her many times in the past She’ll believe that you’re just not paying attention to Her. All that aside, if a trip to Victoria’s Secret on your own or the ladies’ department at Macy’s is rather foreign to you, remember, one size too small and keep the receipt.

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The Donkey Admonition

Ladies, please remember that a jackass with a nice ass is still an ass.

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Take Her Someplace New

When you get the chance you should take Her someplace She has never been to do something She has never done.



We’ll be back Monday.

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